Within the next few days I will have registered my fictitious business name. (Form and check are filled out, its up to the USPS now).
I have a newly designed card.
I have had enough work from repeats, referrals, and through the BikeStation that I have not had to post an ad (on Craigslist) for almost 2 months.
In recognition of these successes, I have decided (as CEO) to give myself (as driver and laborer) a 50% raise.
Don't worry, my friends, family, referrals, and loyal repeat customers will all continue to receive my old rate (20/hr & 1/mile) for at least the next half a year.
What I'm wondering now is if anything will ever happen to me in life that I actually did plan in advance.
Dr Cox on love; heterosexual ManLove; and does enjoying performing fellatio make a guy gay?
ok, first: I don't mean to imply any correlation what ever between the three topics. They are totally independent, only there are overlapping themes, love without sex, sex without sex, love with love. Plus, the two clips are from the same show. And as a final pun, his name is "Dr. Cox" which in the context of this blog amuses me more than it should at my age.
I really like this show. Its rare that a show can be so utterly ridicules, and still catch the heart and make suckers like me cry now and then. The situations are often fantastic, the personalities blown to super proportions, the visual gags and gimmicks childish, almost surreal in a way, and yet the feeling in the relationships is believable - you get the feeling the writers have felt the way the characters do. Most of them, most of the time, under all the fun and, all basically unhappy people. And it isn't so hard to sympathize with Cox going back to his horribly dysfunctional relationship, to his deliberately psychologically abusive ex-wife. And you watch this; clearly he knows better. But sometimes, that's just how life is, and people are people.
Was it "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof"? Yes, where the wife is jealous of her husbands relationship with his best friends, and he insists she corrupts the relationship they had by suggesting there was a sexual element to it. Maybe there really was, maybe there would have been in a more open society, and maybe neither. Bottom line, it shouldn't matter. Certainly part of the feeling of love evolved to coincide with sex, as a mechanism to hold a family unit together, to get us to care for our mates and young. But we are a social specie as well as one which mates long-term, and there is naturally love for family, for kin, for friends. It is perhaps our deeply internalized homophobia (and literally phobia, as in fear) which prevents more open man love, more heterosexual life-partners, (as a friend of mine explains his relationship with his roommate/friend). Because we assume that love implies sex, even though many of us can decouple the inverse. This subconscious internalization is so pervasive that even I, raised as I was my a openly bi former hippy, with my gender-neutral mind (according to the BBC / PBS online tests), and my liberal philosophy, am often made uncomfortable by the relationship between Turk and JD - not despite their both being hetero, but because of it. That makes it worse somehow, like I can accept homosexuality so long as its something *other*, but in that context, it makes me think abut my own male friends, and it becomes creepy.
Just like my third topic, which is sort of the inverse, but really just different.
I had mentioned to a friend of mine that I thought I might be able to learn to be rather good at fellatio, and that it was in a way unfortunate that I'm straight. She questioned whether enjoying giving head automatically makes a guy gay. My reaction was the same as yours - uh, yeah, duh, by definition! But then I thought about it a bit. The giver doesn't have to be stimulated. Not all pleasurable experiences are sexual. And not all sexual experiences have any thing to do with a meaningful or long-term relationship. Remove the assumptions, implications, expectations, and you have left only a specific oral / sensual experience. Plenty of oral fixations are non-sexual; cigarettes have their nicotine and gum has flavor, part of it is just the sucking and the chewing, not to mention toothpicks, and pacifiers. And besides the sensation, it may just be fun, or pleasant to give pleasure, like giving a massage, or a good meal, to someone, without wanting anything from it. Which may be key. Some people (even some Hells Angels) think a person can receive oral from a man without being gay. I never understood that. As the receiver it is unquestionably sexual, and the person stimulating you is another man. As giver it isn't necessarily sexual. You may not want the favor returned. You may not find the person attractive. I can tell a good looking man from your average ugmo, but that doesn't make me want to have sex with him.
Think of a similar example: In general attractive guys are hard (not like that, silly, I mean from their big muscles). They tend to be hairy. Women, even fit ones, tend to be soft. If I were female, I imagine I would still find sensual pleasure in attending a Japanese soapland. And if your gonna have a slippery naked body sliding around you, it would feel a lot nicer if they are soft and smooth. So aside from the sexual aspect, a straight woman would likely prefer her soapland attendant to another female. Or a male athlete may prefer a male masseuse for his stronger hands. Its a sensual experience without being sexual.
One could be attracted to women, desire only to have sex with women, fantasize about women, have relationships with women, and separate from that, enjoy sucking cock now and then. I have yet to test this theory. It makes sense, but its still creepy. I'm curios, but the grossness overwhelms curiosity. Maybe someday. Just to prove to myself that I can. Just to add to my repertoire of useless skills and random experiences. Maybe, if I'm lucky, I'll like it... after all, gay guys get way more sex than we do. Some times I wish I were gay for no other reason. I guess that won't really work, since I'm already in love with a female, and I want her to end up as my life partner. Well, its an interesting thought anyway.
I have never been much of one to go with the crowd.
Probably the main thing that attracted my friends and I together in high school was that.
We were not necessarily so similar to each other.
A lot of people make a point of being "different", for its own sake, for the attention, whatever.
Many of us did that at some point, trying to not fit in, but at root, I think most of us had our own ways of doing things first, and figured if we were to be on the fringe anyway, may as well have fun with it.
It's different.
Me, I found my own ways to do stuff. No one suggested to me that I should, (or could) ride my bike to school (back in middle school). I never saw anyone else do it. I was the only one in the entire school. The happy van, I saw it, it was just perfect, so I bought it. Why pay rent? Why should only the homeless live in their cars? Why use deodorant when hand sanitizer does such a better job? You know what I mean.
I find that many, if not most of the people I find myself close to, or respect, tend to be this way too.
Don't get me wrong - I see value in the alternative, and there are people I enjoy who I would not classify that way. After all, there have been thousands of generations before us who have had plenty of time to figure things out. If we each had to reinvent the wheel, and fire, for ourselves, humanity would not be where it is today, (the bad or the good from collective knowledge). Nothing wrong with learning from others.
The trick is, I guess, to recognize which things have value and to discard the rest. Because sometimes an entire society is collectively blind to some bit of common sense and does something stupid for generations, (tank based water heaters, for example, or refrigerators with the compressor at the bottom and the freezer on top)
I notice this recently.
My mother and my wife, they are both this way. They have their own ways of doing things, which they think are better than how everyone else does. Having two independent minded people interact, it is inevitable that there be conflicts sometimes. I know that they both respect my opinion and consider my input, but when it comes down to it, neither care if I think an idea they have is dumb (like for instance traveling in the 2nd world on a new bike with non-standard parts, or suppressing weeds and grass with sheets of plastic). And in a way, I have to respect them for that. I'm glad that my word is merely one piece of input and does not override, even when I am right; well, when I am pretty sure I am. I wouldn't have it any other way.
I find it a little odd, ironic, that she (wife, not mother) thought for so long that she was passive and just going along, when she never was that way. As though she were any less independent than she is now. Not any time that I knew her. It was her who suggested we buy an RV together, and live in it, she who picked it... I remember debating philosophy, time, long ago, when she was just an acquaintance. I remember her choosing to leave home as a child. But she didn't feel it. I guess a lot of us have a different self-perception than what those around us see as obvious. She didn't used to think she was pretty, and after all those modeling jobs, I'm still not sure that she fully appreciates just how beautiful she is. There are probably things like this about me too - but of course I can't imagine what they are.
The guy I told you about, the homeless guy who lost his ticket and says a conspiracy exists that prevents him form getting an ID; when i came in today Felipe had let him borrow some tools to work on his bike.
His stuff was spread out all over the floor, his bags, spare tires, shoes... He kept going and going. He started asking for different tools, and I told him we don't normally load out tools (which is true) but I wanted him to finish so he could leave, so I let him use one more wrench and took back the others...
Raving and rambling non-sense, and yelling at fare jumpers for some reason.
I was getting so tired of him.
And you know what?
He reminded me of your dad, or I thought how they were similar, and right when I thought that, I felt more sympathy for him. I felt a little more patient. Which was odd, because I don’t generally feel sympathy for your father (or at least I never thought I did). The only interaction I had with him was throwing him out of a restaurant, followed by calling him a liar and making vague threats which he took seriously enough to walk away when i told him to. I feel anger at him for hurting you. Both when you were little, and for those things that lasted into adulthood. I resent the effect he has had on my life, through you.
So it surprised me that the association had that effect, but it was strong and undeniable. Maybe because I know that there is a connection between him and you. Maybe I see him as family (but then why do I not feel the same patience with my actual family?)
Of course, when he started yelling at every passing BART passenger because they hadn't prevented his stuff being stolen (it was apparently stolen hours ago, if not days; but it his mind, is was the fault of ll passers-by, because "people" don't do anything to stop it when they witness such things happening) I did tell him he had to leave.
after listing off fancy technological off road features, the voice over says:
"despite the probability that you won't, the LR2 is designed for the possibility that you will"
American consumer mindset, right there.
Our homes, our cars, the self-storage industry (which has only existed since the 1970s and has doubled in the past few years) all guided by that principal.
Lets all take what we can grab before it runs out... (and try to forget that it wouldn't be running out if we weren't all grabbing)
Auto ads today would have you believe that 30-35 mpg is amazingly good.
35 is awful! We have the technology to have affordable passenger vehicles that get 100mpg. I'll avoid the technical details, but the potential is absolutely there. Without being a hybrid. Seriously. Trust me.
A small part of it is the industry's refusal to do it. But the primary reason they don't exist is us.
You and I, my friend.
I just read an article in Mother Jones about this guy who volunteered with Habitat for Humanity - that is, until they wanted to put a couple of affordable homes in HIS neighborhood! Then he began to protest and look for legal recourse against his former organization's work.
We look down on him, but we are all him. We are happy to help, as long as the cost to ourselves is negligible.
We are unhappy with a car that takes 20 seconds to go 0-60, maxes out at 85, has room for only 1 passenger, a small trunk, seats with minimal padding, no A/C or heat, manual transmission, manual steering, no power brakes, no power anything.
And so I look at how popular the Prius is; even though the Insight was available years earlier, and gets nearly twice the average mileage (35-40 vs 70); even though 90% of or trips have one or no passengers, even though the speed limit is 65 and we rarely exceed it by more than 15mph or so - we want to know that we could carry 4 passengers at 95mph, and so the Insight doesn't sell, and is discontinued, while the Prius, with its pathetic 35-40 has a waiting list.
And what I realized is: I drive. My (motor)bike gets 55-60mpg; good, about as good as available for a freeway speed capable machine sold today. That's still a lot of gas getting burned, a lot of pollutants in the air. Just to save me an hour of travel time here and there. Yes, my truck runs on 100% vegetable oil - but it has its own form of pollution, and it still has to come from somewhere, it has to get transported. I ride my bike to work...most days. Which means sometimes I don't. Yes, I have an ultra-efficient home - but it saves me money, plus I enjoy it. So what, really, am I sacrificing?
And so, in my self-righteousness, I am exactly like the Prius owner. I work for a non-profit and split my tips with the Coalition; but I don't volunteer (and I have no intention of starting to). I am vegetarian, but mainly because the thought of eating flesh is sickening.
I guess it is a part of the human mind to despise most those people whose faults match our own most closely.
The people who abhor welfare usually inherited wealth or at least education and connections. The anti-sex are secretly perverted, and the strongest homophobes are often as not gay. Narcs steal from the evidence room, and the woman who sent hate mail to the guy from the example above who stopped volunteering for Habitat, her home is just as expensive as his. The deeply religious feel guilt for all their own sins (Christianity's appeal is that all sins are forgiven, as long as you have faith).
I always found the religious to be the most hypocritical and disturbing of all. To apply the trend I have found, that must mean I am secretly religious myself...
... ... ...
Nnnoope!
Not even a little.
So, I guess that destroys my whole theory about indignant hypocrisy. Sometimes we just dislike something because its stupid; it doesn't have to be projection. That's good. I feel better now. Damn Priuses.
Like ebonics, anti-intellectualism, and the re-election of President Junior, the deliberate misspelling and typos in internet chat culture is a glorification of stupid. People continually search for innovative new ways to appear more ignorant than they really are.
Being stupid is not cool!
While we're at it, why don't we un-learn all language, give up technology medicine and agriculture, forgot how to make fire, and cut off our opposable thumbs.
Some people are born with less intelligence.
That's OK. Some people are small, or ugly, or disabled, and that's no fault of their own, nothing to be ashamed of, and some people happen to be born retarded.
But being stupid on purpose, that's just, well, stupid.
With one significant exception:
At One With The Dumb, the album by Bobby Joe Ebola and the Children MacNuggets, exemplified by their song "I Wish I Was Special"
Hopefully they will play it at their re-union show, Sunday June 24th, at "The Gilman" on Gilman in Berkeley.
